I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.