My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?