I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”