I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.


Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes


I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”


[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”



I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.


[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here


*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.


When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?