I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
thank god
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.