I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video