I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Just me?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180