Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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No, YOUR illiterate.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Good news
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”