I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it