I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
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I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter