I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.


[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.


ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.


A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!


Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.


Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.


god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go


“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds