I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.