I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.