I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.