I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
how was your vacation
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: my friends: