@erica_rosie

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@robfromonline

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

@Audenary

(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

@daemonic3

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

@TheAlexNevil

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

@Snarfernini

He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that