Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.