Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.