I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

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I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.


you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter


“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing


“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*


i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass


Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.


Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo




I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey


Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this