I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.