I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
You Might Also Like
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Your honor these allegations are
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Those are good neighbors.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you