@CopBroughtPizza

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

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@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.

@JustAboutGlad

“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.

@everygirI

if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too

@UncleDuke1969

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@TheHyyyype

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were