I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You Might Also Like
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.