I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
and now we wait
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.