“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn


If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.


*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*


“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.


just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money


Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.


the top three reasons people break up:

-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types


PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol


[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets