“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.