@Cpin42

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

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@casualafro

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@SatansTongue

*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*

@KaliciaBo

“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

@millercycle

just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money

@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@alovablenerd

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

@david8hughes

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets