I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar


When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?


Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot


Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.



1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.


ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature


“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.


[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5


Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.