I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.