*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.
Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.
HR: it’s mandatory.
Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.