@DadUnderFire

I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

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@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@abbycohenwl

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

@notmythirdrodeo

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@aaronneedshelp

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

@IamEnidColeslaw

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

@JediGigi

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.