I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up


My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today


Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.


HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.


I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.


A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”


I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.


I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.