I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
It’s the weekend y’all
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.