I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

You Might Also Like


I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.


Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass


me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken


You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?


“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”


were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal


*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.


If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?


Losing weight

– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried


The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.