@DadUnderFire

I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

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@UncleDuke1969

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

@Jarhead44

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@JasonLastname

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@ThingsDrakeDo

A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

@robyn_vo

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@myles_morrison

I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.