Unimpressed
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.