Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
At least try to make it slightly believable
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it