I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace