I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Barbie gone wild
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Things will get butter, keep churning
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do