I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.