The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car
I vote for less election coverage
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: Green please
God: All gone
Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone
Me: Whatever, just make them big
Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn’t stop the wind.
Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough