@UnIxphysco

I vote for less election coverage

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@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

@elunatyk

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

@junejuly12

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

@ryangriffiths

Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn’t stop the wind.

@MensHumor

Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.