I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.