[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
new record!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
That’s no pocket rocket.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
🤣
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women