FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
You Might Also Like
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It鈥檚 my face. lol
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I鈥檓 always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I鈥檝e banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it鈥檚 the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Can I get a pi帽a colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti pi帽a colada.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she鈥檇 like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants鈥re you okay?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don鈥檛 have to nag
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
me: who鈥檚 a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.