I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it