I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
umm…
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
sigh
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On