I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
nature’s most graceful animal
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.