I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.