[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I’m not wrong
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy