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Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.