Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You Might Also Like
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.