me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible