I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
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Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now