@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

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@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@LaziestCanine

Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use

@arcadeseals

[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@fro_vo

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

@LoveNLunchmeat

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

@NewDadNotes

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?