(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
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My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
[naming our daughter]
wife: i love the name anna
me: i love soft french cheeses.
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.
God: your name is Owl.
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.