I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.


*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear


I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee


Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank


[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond


Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!


*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.


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