@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

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@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@Brampersandon_

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

@lovemyboots111

I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

@IvoryGazelle

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@

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