@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

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@truegritrumble

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

@vladchoc

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

@Mikel_Jollett

PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@CrabbyDaCrab

2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.