I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married