I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.