I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
You Might Also Like
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields