Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.