I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.

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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?


Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water


Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.


FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.


My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.


vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?


I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.


I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.


hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks