@dksc4life

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

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@shesananteater

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

@TheCiscoKidder

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.

@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste