Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?