If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.