@jazmasta

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]

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@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@twelveyearsold

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@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

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@Beerhaze

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

@why_vann

My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.