St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I have no passwords left in me
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Awwwww shit.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.