Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@twelveyearsold

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@rachelle_mandik

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

@solsayswhaaa

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

@Beerhaze

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

@why_vann

My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.