I walk into the main office of a new school:

Secretary: You a sub?

*cheeks blush*

Me: Who have you been talking to?

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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?


boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?


2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok


50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.


I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.


[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean


ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?



Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*