Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I walk into the main office of a new school:
Secretary: You a sub?
Me: Who have you been talking to?
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*