If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Many hands make light work
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me, flirting😏
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.